Sunday, October 3, 2010

Irrational thoughts

This morning we awoke to another beautiful sunny day, perfect for hanging clothes on the line and other general outside activities.  But what was I thinking about?  I really need to vacuum and wash the floor, it hasn't been done for ages.  I was quite prepared to get out the vacuum cleaner and mop and clean away.

But something happened in between waking up, breakfast and a shower.  I went from downright cheerful to panic attack in about 15 minutes.  I have no idea what bought this all on.  Well perhaps I do, it's the contemplating back to the routine, stresses and what I talked about yesterday.  Funny how we think we are o.k. with it all but the subconscious is doing it's thing.

After my shower I came out looking for hubbie as a he gives the best hugs in the world and that is usually something that helps me catch my breath and calm down.  I couldn't find him.  I looked in all the usual places he might be.  No hubbie.  Then I realised his car wasn't in the driveway.  He never goes anywhere without telling me he is going out or leaving a note.  By this time I was seriously freaking out as this was such uncharacteristic behaviour for him.  (I'd just like to point out here, I do not stop my gorgeous hubbie from doing his own thing.  I'm not a controlling wife, shudder, we just always let each other know where we will be etc.)  His phone and wallet were gone, Miss C. had already gone for the day and Miss G. had just risen from her slumber so she was in the dark as to his location as well.  I rang his mobile only to get voice mail.  FREAKING OUT BIG TIME NOW!  About 5 minutes after I rang he phoned me to see what I wanted.  Oh it was so good to hear his voice.  Apparently he had taken Miss C. to the bus 'cos she was running late, had decided to take a little detour on the way home and when I rang, his phone was not connected to hands free and had fallen on the floor of the car.

When I knew he was safe, hadn't done a runner, I cried bucket loads.  Silly irrational thoughts, he would never run off and leave me ever.  He is just not that type of person.   It wasn't about me not believing in him or trusting him, it was about me being in a fragile emotional state and allowing my world to tilt.

So this brings me to the question I've been pondering for some time now.  Am I too dependent on my hubbie for my emotional strength?  Am I too reliant on him to get me through my difficult times?  Do I need to develop a bit more backbone?  I believe I need to.  So how do you learn to be self reliant emotionally while maintaining the sharing in a relationship?  It's a big one, isn't it?  I also want to teach my daughters by example that we have the ability to be emotionally self reliant.  I sure don't feel like I'm doing that at the moment.

Does anyone else grapple with this?   Many people don't have partners, what do they do to cope, to be emotionally self reliant?  There is no choice for them.  I'd love to hear your thoughts.

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