Sunday, November 28, 2010

Revisiting the big black hole

So it's happened again.  I'm in that big black hole of nothingness where my bed is my sanctuary and sleep my best friend.  I'm still struggling to work out what triggered this episode.  Perhaps it's best not to think about why and put in place the very small steps to find my way out of it.

I can start that process by being grateful for an understanding husband and two daughters who are old enough to pitch in and help out around the house.  I do not like my daughters to see their mother in bed all day, crying, curled up in a ball, seemingly unable to function and do the basics like have a shower.  Miss G. goes off to school retreat tomorrow for 3 days and I don't want her to go off with an image of me like this.  I do think she knows me well enough to know that this sojourn into the black hole will pass in time.


I know there is an element of acceptance I need to have about this ongoing condition I battle with, but you know what, I'm just a bit over it all.  There is such a huge part of me that wants/needs to get out there and do stuff, but I just can't physically or mentally make myself do it.  I guess that's the fatigue aspect that comes with depression.

Tomorrow is a new day, perhaps bringing with it a more positive outlook.  One can only hope.  That's a key word isn't?  Hope.

Anne

19 comments:

  1. Thou shalt not ever feel guilty. My friend with lupus just found the big black hole again too and she says it is the worst, most dangerous one she has ever had. But she is climbing out. There is hope. Cherrie

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  2. So very sorry to hear you are deep in the black hole again. Remember "this too will pass" and these things can disappear as fast as they arrive. Can you possibly potter about as doing something, anything, can be of help and take your mind to other sunnier places for a moment and those moments add together to make a longer time. Do hope you will feel brighter soon.

    Love and a hug

    Jane

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  3. Thank you dear friends for being such a support. I appreciate the time you have taken to comment. Thank goodness for blog land. It does help so much.

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  4. There's a few of us in that hole at the moment! I thought it may have something to do with the clocks changing over here in the UK, but do you do that in Oz? And then I think it could be the change in weather and then think yeah, but you're moving into summer. And then I think, will I never learn...to try and fathom a reason for these black days?! Because, you know what? I'm slowly reasoning that there DOESN'T have to be a reason!!
    Sending you big, supportive hugs,
    Z xx

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  5. Goodness Anne however did you manage to rustle up the energy to write all that you did at my place then? Thank you!!! And I really appreciate you passing on the Velvet Pear book info. I have written it down in a notebook so that I don't lose it. No I haven't heard of it so I look forward to tracking it down. Thank you so much for thinking of me.
    I hate the black hole it seems like such a waste of time. It's odd but I hadn't realized that the fatigue was such a strong component of depression until recently. What's that all about? Quite complex really isn't it. I like the interesting mix of labels for this post. Hope that tomorrow is a much better day. Much love Catherine.

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  6. Catherine, thanks for your lovely words. As Jane said in her comment, it helps if you think of something/somebody else. I do feel a little better this evening, for which I am very grateful.

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  7. Zoe, I find the weather does have a huge impact on how I feel. I have a vitamin D deficiency and have to take a supplement. When the sun is shining, I try and get out in it so I get some natural vitamin D, of course being careful not to get sunburnt.
    We have had a very long, wet winter here in the southern part of Victoria. While coming out of a drought of 10 years I appreciate the rain, I would like to see some sunshine and warm weather now that it is November.

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  8. So sorry to hear you are back in the big black hole, I really hope you manage to get out really soon. You will be in my thoughts.
    Sue x

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  9. I'm not feeling 100% either Anne. I put it down the impending Christmas (I always get stressed about it) uni and the time of year. I suffer from insomina at times like this and I know it doesn't help. My doctor is trying to reduce the dose of my anti depressants too and although I should probably be happy about that (i.e. he thinks I am better) I am so worried about sinking again without them. I just want to be able to function - not dancing on the tables happy. Just function. And I can't do that when I'm down. So that probably doesn't help.

    Anyway sorry to leach onto your post with my issues! I hope you feel better soon, sending you big hugs from here xx

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  10. Please, please do get help from your doctor. Depression is an illness and as such can be successfully treated with non addictive meds. There is absolutely no need to carry on suffering, however much we may not like to take meds they are a NECESSITY for depression.
    Please do get help for yourself and be able to enjoy the rest of your life. There is no stigma attached to taking anti depressants they are necessary to fix that illness.
    I very rarely comment on blogs but really felt for you - please make an appointment and get the help you need. The black hole can be filled - believe me, my doctor filled it for me.
    Jan (in the UK)

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  11. Hello Jan, Thank you so much for taking time to comment. I just wanted to let you know that I'm under the care of a very good doctor and have been on anti-depressants for quite a few years now. As you would know, depression and the associated symptoms of anxiety and panic attacks are complex issues and different for everybody. I go through relatively good patches where I am functioning well, not the best I've ever been, but reasonable. Every now and then I have a big glitch, like now. I am menopausal which I think is playing havoc with me (under doctor's care for that too)and I also find if my stress levels get to high, I have a bit of a crash. I have the knowledge of how to work my way back out of this place, but it is exhausting and disappointing when I have a
    relapse.
    If you have read through my earlier posts on this blog, you will see this is a place to talk about these issues that many of us are suffering. It's a place where I can share with others good times and bad. Hopefully it's a place where there is a sense of community, and I have this blog as much for others as myself.
    I thank you for your concern, but I don't want you to worry unecessarily because I am being cared for.
    Thank you so much,
    Anne
    P.S. I am feeling a little better today which is absolutely wonderful.

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  12. Hi Terrie, I don't think you are leaching on my post at all. I want this blog to be a place where anyone who is suffering with depression and associated symptoms can talk about how they feel. I appreciate you talking about how you are and how you are feeling. It truly does help me when people are commenting. Not that I want others to be feeling low either. I just like to think this blog can be an outlet to talk about how we feel.
    Only last week I was feeling so good that I thought perhaps I could start reducing my medication, however after yesterdays crash, I don't think it's a good idea just yet.
    We need quality of life and when we have children, we need to be in a place where we are able to parent and care for them. My doctor has talked about reducing my medication before and I just won't do it until I've had a really good long stretch feeling stable and relatively happy. It's our life and we have to do what is best for us. So Terrie, I would stay on your current level of medication, especially around the time that you know is difficult for you.
    Take care and thanks for your comments.
    Anne xx

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  13. Thanks Sue for your encouragement.
    Anne xx

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  14. Hi Anne sending you some cyber hugs your way
    {{{{ Anne}}}}

    I totally understand your black hole scenario, I call mine a black mist that shrouds, and devours me. I suffer the fatigue that comes with it, and the only way for me to cope is curling up into my bed, the feelings of worthlessness often wash over me as I see my family try and support me. It can be so hard, there is never any warning is there of these episodes, they often come out the blue, their duration can not be measure in time either.

    I take anti-d's too, but I'm completely convinced that my depression is hormonal too, all three times I've been pregnant I was more settled, able to cope, but as soon as my monthly cycle hit, I was back to the anxiety and panic attacks etc. So saying yours may have something to do with the menopause makes sense.

    We know as you say there is hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel as your black hole slowly diminishes, while you are going through it though, there are friends worldwide that you have never met, thinking, caring and even understanding your pain. You are not alone, and thankfully you have an understanding family.

    Much love

    Adey xxx

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  15. Thank you Adey. Funnily enough today was a much better day for me. I got out of bed, showered and dropped my daughter off for school retreat. I made myself catch up with a friend and then made myself go to painting class. As the day went on, I felt the black lifting more and more. So it's more like a nasty black cloud now rather than a big black hole.
    Anne xx

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  16. Wouldn't it be good if you could just stay asleep and wake up when it was all over?

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  17. So sorry to hear that you are not well. I hope you can find your way out of the black hole soon. I'm thinking about you. xx

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  18. Hey Anne, thanks for visiting and becoming a follower.
    It has been cold considering it is Summer......
    Mind you I prefer the cold to the heat of recent Summers. Hope you haven't been flooded out with all the rain and hope you are feeling alot better.

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  19. Hey Anne, thanks for dropping by and commenting. Tigger is always up for a wander, as long as you don't go too far. Then you hear the plaintive miaow "pick me up, i'm tired!"
    We feel very blessed to live here in our little patch of paradise. Have done city living before and would find it very hard to move into town now.
    I hope the new year has gotten off to a positive start for you. Best wishes for 2011 may it bring, happiness and health.
    Hope you are enjoying the warmth and the sunshine, Summer has finally arrived.

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