Yesterday I wrote a very long post pouring out all kinds of stuff all over the place. I decided it was just too long and too emotional to post on here. Why? Well I had a little bit of a meltdown yesterday morning, came to the realise quite a bit about myself, my journey in this life and it led to more questions than answers. I had been having a heart to heart with Miss G (she is so wise and understanding for one so young), which produced some light bulb moments for me
I now have a better grasp on some of the things I struggle with and why, but how to resolve these issues is something I'm grappling with. There are constraints in place, some self imposed, some a part of life that stop me from being who I really am. The title of yesterday's unpublished post was "Are we who we really are?" So what I'm trying to say here is that the routines and responsibilities we have in everyday life contribute to us not being who we really are.
I am a highly creative person, so much more than I had previously realised or recognised. An inability to create when I NEED to as opposed to when I CAN causes me an extreme amount of distress which is something I have not previously understood about myself. I've clamped down on those creative needs as other things have taken priority. I have a family with needs and as a mother I put them first. I'm o.k. with that. It's the ability to juggle family needs with my creative needs that have me floundering. Yes I can and do my best to make time to be creative. But that's not usually the time when I'm in that highly creative place where I can be in the moment, be totally and utterly absorbed in creativity. I can now see how subduing these feeling and needs has not helped me.
So how does one find a balance? I honestly don't know. And to be perfectly honest, I don't really feel like finding a balance.
The light bulb moment came to me when I was making a Fathers Day card yesterday morning. I was in my creative element. There were textures, patterns, colours, images saturating my mind. And I suddenly realised I was happy, really and utterly happy. Then it struck me that I am at my happiest when I'm creating. Be it gardening, painting, drawing, sewing, crocheting or card making. Time ceases to exist. I dabble with the piano when no one else is home which is rare. My hubbie plays beautifully so I don't feel comfortable playing around him. But when I have a go at something like Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, ooooo, I'm in that place again, creating, creating music. It's so good.
When I was younger, much younger, I had this feeling deep down inside that I could paint, that I wanted to paint and so I had some lessons in water colours. They were o.k. and I knew I had some ability. A couple years ago I decided I would try oils and have had lessons ever since and I love it. I have this feeling deep down inside that I could weld sculptures, abstracts. I don't know how to weld and don't have the space to but that feeling is there nonetheless. The same goes for pottery, maybe one day.
How can I be who I really am while being what I am needed to be by others? Huge question. Plenty of conflicting emotions. No easy answers.