Surprising myself

This post has been mulling around in my mind for a few weeks after a situation which knocked me over with a feather.  Before I go any further, the situation has since been resolved but I am left wondering who I am.  Oh I know who I am, but I'm asking the question of myself, who is the person who reacted so emotionally.  I can never, ever remember being so full of despair, so gob smacked by something before.   I am the type of person who is a problem solver, I'm stubborn and never give up and I have never before felt that there was nothing I could do.

Where did that feeling leave me?  Sobbing uncontrollably for an age.  Nobody in my family knew how to help me, what to say to me, what to do.  I didn't know either.  Remembering that night is not pleasant.....realising that I could be so affected by something and have no control over my emotions was very confronting.

In relection, I've realised a number of things -

1.  I still don't know myself 100%.
2.  Some situations need time to be resolved.
3.  There are some things that are beyond my control and that's o.k.
4.  I need to develop more patience and understanding, not only with myself but with others.
5.  Communication is the single most important thing in any situation.
6.  Always try to see the big picture and be prepared to look at something from someone else's perspective.
7.  When your head is telling you to butt out of something but your intuition is telling you to butt in, follow your intuition, it's always right.
8.  Life is about expecting the unexpected.
9.  Remember that life's experiences are opportunities to learn things about other people and yourself.
10.  Emotions are a part of life even if they can sometimes be overwhelming, it's what makes us human.

May life not throw anymore surprises at me just yet, I need to take a big breath.

Anne

Catch up

It's certainly a while since I posted on this blog, so perhaps I should catch up with myself so to speak.

All is generally well with metal health issues although I know the danger time for me is looming up ahead in the cold and darker months.  I'm hoping by being aware of my vulnerabilities at this time of the year, I can put in place a few things to help maintain an even keel.

There are some things coming up on the calender to look forward to and keep me busy.  I have Miss C.'s 21st and Miss G.'s 18th birthdays which are on the 4th and 14th of June respectively.  So some planning will have to be done for the 18th b'day which will be celebrated at home.  It's time to think about decorations, food and guest lists.

I always visit my parents on the farm in July, so that is something I'm looking forward too.  It's always so nice to see them, my farming brother and his family too.  Thinking about home makes me somewhat sad as they are in the most appalling drought.  I keep reminding myself that worrying will not change a thing.

Winter is the time of year I look forward to watching some of the Tour de France.  I love the aerial shots from the helicopter and all the views of the countryside and villages the cyclist ride through.  It's almost like having a little holiday in France.

Despite the fairly happy demeanour that is portrayed on my other blog, there really are moments when I have to take stock and remember to not put any pressure on myself to be anything other than what I am.  I wish I  wasn't so needy of the good opinion of others.  I tell myself I don't need it, but if I'm honest I look for it.  Perhaps more of my focus should be on what others have to say and responding to them rather than my own posts and whether others like what I say.  This blogging business certainly is a powerful tool for encouraging and supporting others.

The issue here is (I think), is I have so much admiration and respect for the people on the blogs I follow and would like to think that a little of that was reciprocated.  However, it's not necessary to my survival :),  and I should concentrate on the things that make me happy not what I think others want to see or hear.  I really should take a big dose of my own medicine as I'm always telling others to be themselves.  It's always the way though isn't it?  It's very hard to take our own advice.  :)

So just a little catch up today.  Nothing nasty or horrible and isn't that nice!

Anne

Dreams that exhaust

Last night or early this morning I had a dream, a dream so bizarre it's not worth talking about except to say that I woke up exhausted.  This is not the only time I've been exhausted by dreams and somehow I just don't understand why.  I wake up feeling like I've been hit by a truck and it takes me forever to get going.

Tuesday morning is yoga morning and as I missed my class last week I really didn't want to miss another one.  So I dragged myself there as I know it's a time I can be quiet and still in my mind.  To just BE.  Well this is what we strive for in yoga, to be in the moment, to be in tune with your body etc.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who struggles with thinking about everyday thoughts, things to be done at home instead of being in the moment.  "Chattering monkeys" is what my yoga teacher calls them.  However this morning I had "chattering monkeys" and a body that just didn't want to move to deal with.

I always believed sleep should  be a time of rest and rejuvenation, a relaxing of the body and mind but now I'm not so sure.  I'd like to know what causes this exhaustion after dreams as it sets me up for a very lethargic day.  Does anyone else have this happen?  I'd love to know.

Anne

Visiting my tree

It's time for me to visit my tree again to remind myself I can indeed stand up when I'm falling down.  The past few months have been nice ones with school holidays taking away much of the daily stress that contributes so much to how I feel.  Well the holidays are well and truly over and it's back to the normal routine with a few changes here and there.

Miss G. is in her last year of school and with it bringing many new challenges for her.  She has a lighter load than other students as she put in a lot of hard work last year to complete two VCE subjects.  That means she has more free time during the school day and is able to get some of her homework done at school.  We hope this means life will be a little easier for her at home, but it doesn't seem to be working out that way so far.  We have had quite a few discussions on how to manage time, be organised etc., all those things essential for reducing stress.  Hopefully some of it will be taken on board.  She has a leadership position this year which brings it's own set of stresses, however she seems to be thriving in the environment which is good.

This is such an interesting time for both of us, as a teenager becomes closer to the age of legally being an adult, the transition to making their own decisions and being responsible for themselves but also still needing support from Mum and Dad.  I'm sure it must be quite frustrating, exciting and a little bit scary for her.  Meanwhile I sit back and observe and hope I can offer sound advice if she asks for it. 

So the focus this year will be very much on Miss G. and while this is as it needs to be, in amongst the craziness this year will bring, I need to remember to look after me so I can look after her.  And how best to do that is something I'm experimenting with.  I have done a lot of soul searching about what is important to me and I still come back to things like, being still, being in the moment, being quiet.  Rushing around and being too busy is not for me.  I am looking at a book from the library at the moment with advice that is relevent to where I think my state of mind and body should be.  I've found it to be quite comforting and if when I get to the end I still like it, I might purchase a copy to have on my bedside table.

Another thing I'm finding helpful to get the day of to a better start is to clear my mind and sit for a few minutes to just be.  I am trying to walk in the morning for exercise and am finding that I'm out the door in a big rush before I've had time to do this.  Time constraints and all that.  Still, it's something I can keep working toward.

It's been nice visiting my tree again.  I'm so glad I have this space/place to mull things over.

Anne

Update

It's been a while since I posted on this blog and I think (?), possibly that's a good thing.  I do find summer (what little we are having with all the rain) so much easier to cope with.  There is more light for one thing and I'm not cold.  When it isn't raining, the back yard is another room for playing in, whether that be gardening or watching dragonflies.

I've had the odd moments of despair and anxiety during the lead up to Christmas and the past week or so, but overall I'm travelling o.k.  School holidays are nice for me as Miss G. is relaxed and not bringing her stress home.  I'm quietly contemplating how I will manage this year with her being in her last year of school.  This is the big one.  I guess it will be managed by remembering to take one step at a time, not panic and not take on her stress. 

This Sunday I will be going to visit my parents in W.A. on the farm where I grew up.  I'll be there just over a week and am looking forward to seeing wide open spaces, lots of sunshine, plenty of hot weather and of course my family.  I might even take a walk to look at my "Standing Up When Falling Down" tree in my blog photo if I can dodge the snakes and not enhale too many flies. :) 

I hope everyone else is going o.k. and hopefully I might come back with some nice photos to share.

Bye for now,

Anne

Revisiting the big black hole

So it's happened again.  I'm in that big black hole of nothingness where my bed is my sanctuary and sleep my best friend.  I'm still struggling to work out what triggered this episode.  Perhaps it's best not to think about why and put in place the very small steps to find my way out of it.

I can start that process by being grateful for an understanding husband and two daughters who are old enough to pitch in and help out around the house.  I do not like my daughters to see their mother in bed all day, crying, curled up in a ball, seemingly unable to function and do the basics like have a shower.  Miss G. goes off to school retreat tomorrow for 3 days and I don't want her to go off with an image of me like this.  I do think she knows me well enough to know that this sojourn into the black hole will pass in time.


I know there is an element of acceptance I need to have about this ongoing condition I battle with, but you know what, I'm just a bit over it all.  There is such a huge part of me that wants/needs to get out there and do stuff, but I just can't physically or mentally make myself do it.  I guess that's the fatigue aspect that comes with depression.

Tomorrow is a new day, perhaps bringing with it a more positive outlook.  One can only hope.  That's a key word isn't?  Hope.

Anne

Sleeping should be for sleeping

When I go to bed at night, sometimes quite late, the most important thing on my mind is sleep.  You know that period of time when you have a rest from all things, supposedly.  It should be a physical, mental and emotional rest, supposedly.  Sometimes that just doesn't happen.

I can't remember how many evenings I've been yawning my head off, I'm really tired and sleepy, ready for bed, yet when I get there I'm wide awake.  I use to fret incredibly about the sleep I wasn't getting, how tired I would be the next day but now I just get up and do something until I get sleepy again and usually on my return to bed I will sleep.

So I've learnt to cope with that and insomnia to some extent.  What I haven't come to terms with is nocturnal panic attacks.  Last week during a blissful sleep, supposedly, I awoke to find myself sitting up in bed, heart racing, feeling nauseous, wondering what on earth was going on.  It took me a moment to realise I was having a nocturnal panic attack, got back in control by seeing it for what is was and breathing away the panic.  Where on earth do they come from?  I had nothing particularly distressing on my mind, I had been in a reasonably positive frame of mind during the day so I cannot connect it to anything.  It's not as if I'd been thinking about something and off I went.  I mean for goodness sake, I WAS SLEEPING!!!

So I'm wondering how much of what we feel deep down and choose not to think about during the day, gets processed in our subconscious while we are sleeping?  If that's the case, then our subconscious is not very nice to us.  How many of you have had or suffer from nocturnal panic attacks and what are your coping strategies.  Does anyone know why we have nocturnal panic attacks?

Anne