Where's the sunshine gone

This weekend is really a bit off a fizzer as far as sunshine goes.  That's not only weather wise but for me too.  I really dislike waking up with that heavy feeling in my body and the immediate thought that goes with it, oh no, it's going to be one of those days.  Well I have to say that rather than wallow in my I don't want to get out of bed feeling, I now try to think this is not a good start to the day....but it may get better.

When my lovely hubbie asks me if I'm o.k., I can say "Today is not a good day for me, but I'll be o.k."  And I will be.  Isn't it nice to have reached a place where I can say and think that?  This morning being Sunday I have the luxury of not having to be out the door to take Miss G. to school, my family is home and we are all relaxing or pottering around the house doing bits and pieces.  I have decided to spend a little extra time in bed this morning, just slowly working my way up into the day, not pressuring myself to get on with the laundry, cleaning up the kitchen, the baking that needs doing or tidying up my never ending mess.  Instead I've had a cup of tea, breakfast and morning coffee, all in bed :-)  And of course reading the blogs I follow (laptops are wonderful as is wireless internet connection), making a few comments here and there, and dealing with a few very NASTY hot flushes.  I'm taking the time to think about creative ideas that are running around in my head, being inspired but other people's creativity and making a list of things I'd like to make.

Last night I made some Christmas baubles for the girls to hang on their bedroom doorknobs.  If you follow my other blog, you will already know this, sorry.  The enjoyment I get out of having an idea in my head and then actually bringing it to fruition is so rewarding.  A huge part of the joy of creating is sharing it with others.  I really love the internet and blogging for this very reason, the sharing and caring with heaps of wonderful people.

On a slightly different note, I would like to mention an experience I had late Friday afternoon which brought home to me how fortunate I really am and in comparison to some other people.  I was at the local pharmacy to pick up my happy pills (as I call them) and bumped into an acquaintance of some 15 years or so.  Some of our children were at primary school together so there is a connection of sorts.  We were asking how our respective families were going and I learnt in this particular family, the son who has just turned 20 is suffering a rare and aggressive form of cancer which needs to be treated with an equally aggressive type of chemo for a year.  The young man who is sick only has one kidney, so there are many things to be concerned about.  The mother suffers extreme anxiety and depression and has been very unwell for two years and is basically housebound.  Her illness started before the son was diagnosed with cancer.  The father, whom I was talking to, had two years previously been suffering a digestive disorder which now thankfully is under control.  The father is the sons carer and a daughter is the mothers carer.  So you see, in comparison what do I have to complain about?  Very little.

Tomorrow the sunshine will be out and as I'm typing this I can see out my bedroom window the clouds clearing and blue sky is showing.

Anne

The gum tree

I grew up on a farm with wide open spaces and lots of sunshine.  I go back a couple of times a year to visit family (they live a long way from me) and usually find some time to go walking.  On one of my walks I came across a gum tree.  That in itself isn't unusual as there are many gum trees in the area, however this particular tree was special.  It was magnificent not just because of it's thick solid trunk, beautiful coloured bark and green leaves,  it's magnificence was in what it represented to me.  At the base of the tree lying on the ground were three very large pieces of dead trunk that had obviously been part of the tree at one  time.   The tree had suffered some kind of trauma yet despite the odds had survived and grown a new trunk, branches and leaves.  It seemed to be saying well I might be down but I'm not out.  I'm not finished and I've got some more growing to do. It somehow seemed symbolic of my life.

Anyone who suffers with depression knows that the core of who we are is or has been suffering some kind of trauma.  What is it that rocks our world in such a way that little bits of ourselves flake away while we desperately try to hold it together?  Sometimes there are answers and sometimes there aren't.  I've always desperately wanted answers.  I felt that if I could only understand my depression I could solve it and it would go away.  Not so.  I understand bits of it but not the whole.  Sometimes the more I try to work it all out, the more it eludes me and that is frustrating.  I have learnt that I have to go with the flow and sometime I'm kicking and screaming all the way, it feels just too hard.   But then I'm reminded of the gum tree.

So what has a gum tree got to do with me?  Well my tree (as I like to call it) was stubborn, it held on.  I am stubborn, I am holding on.  I may be down, but I'm not out.  I'm not finished, I've got some growing to do even though growing can hurt.  Kids will often complain about growing pains in the legs, it's a bit like that.  I do my growing by persisting and not giving in when really it would be so much easier just to stay in bed, hide under the covers and go back to sleep.  I persist by incorporating things in my life on a daily basis, the things I love to do.  I have to create, it's not an optional extra for me.  It's how I connect to who and what I am and when I make connections it seems to go a little easier for me.  I might crochet, sew or paint in oils or create by tending my garden.  I need a relationship with the ground and I'm sure that has a lot to do with growing up on a farm.  And I suppose winter is such a struggle for me because I can't be outside with my hands in the ground. 

I believe anyone who suffers with depression does better when they can make connections with what is important to them.  To someone else these connections may not make sense, that's not important because they aren't the person living with depression.  Look after those parts of yourself that you may have ignored for a long time or never acknowledged at all.  Make a connection with something or someone and you may  find it goes a little easier for you too.