Dreams that exhaust

Last night or early this morning I had a dream, a dream so bizarre it's not worth talking about except to say that I woke up exhausted.  This is not the only time I've been exhausted by dreams and somehow I just don't understand why.  I wake up feeling like I've been hit by a truck and it takes me forever to get going.

Tuesday morning is yoga morning and as I missed my class last week I really didn't want to miss another one.  So I dragged myself there as I know it's a time I can be quiet and still in my mind.  To just BE.  Well this is what we strive for in yoga, to be in the moment, to be in tune with your body etc.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who struggles with thinking about everyday thoughts, things to be done at home instead of being in the moment.  "Chattering monkeys" is what my yoga teacher calls them.  However this morning I had "chattering monkeys" and a body that just didn't want to move to deal with.

I always believed sleep should  be a time of rest and rejuvenation, a relaxing of the body and mind but now I'm not so sure.  I'd like to know what causes this exhaustion after dreams as it sets me up for a very lethargic day.  Does anyone else have this happen?  I'd love to know.

Anne

Visiting my tree

It's time for me to visit my tree again to remind myself I can indeed stand up when I'm falling down.  The past few months have been nice ones with school holidays taking away much of the daily stress that contributes so much to how I feel.  Well the holidays are well and truly over and it's back to the normal routine with a few changes here and there.

Miss G. is in her last year of school and with it bringing many new challenges for her.  She has a lighter load than other students as she put in a lot of hard work last year to complete two VCE subjects.  That means she has more free time during the school day and is able to get some of her homework done at school.  We hope this means life will be a little easier for her at home, but it doesn't seem to be working out that way so far.  We have had quite a few discussions on how to manage time, be organised etc., all those things essential for reducing stress.  Hopefully some of it will be taken on board.  She has a leadership position this year which brings it's own set of stresses, however she seems to be thriving in the environment which is good.

This is such an interesting time for both of us, as a teenager becomes closer to the age of legally being an adult, the transition to making their own decisions and being responsible for themselves but also still needing support from Mum and Dad.  I'm sure it must be quite frustrating, exciting and a little bit scary for her.  Meanwhile I sit back and observe and hope I can offer sound advice if she asks for it. 

So the focus this year will be very much on Miss G. and while this is as it needs to be, in amongst the craziness this year will bring, I need to remember to look after me so I can look after her.  And how best to do that is something I'm experimenting with.  I have done a lot of soul searching about what is important to me and I still come back to things like, being still, being in the moment, being quiet.  Rushing around and being too busy is not for me.  I am looking at a book from the library at the moment with advice that is relevent to where I think my state of mind and body should be.  I've found it to be quite comforting and if when I get to the end I still like it, I might purchase a copy to have on my bedside table.

Another thing I'm finding helpful to get the day of to a better start is to clear my mind and sit for a few minutes to just be.  I am trying to walk in the morning for exercise and am finding that I'm out the door in a big rush before I've had time to do this.  Time constraints and all that.  Still, it's something I can keep working toward.

It's been nice visiting my tree again.  I'm so glad I have this space/place to mull things over.

Anne

Update

It's been a while since I posted on this blog and I think (?), possibly that's a good thing.  I do find summer (what little we are having with all the rain) so much easier to cope with.  There is more light for one thing and I'm not cold.  When it isn't raining, the back yard is another room for playing in, whether that be gardening or watching dragonflies.

I've had the odd moments of despair and anxiety during the lead up to Christmas and the past week or so, but overall I'm travelling o.k.  School holidays are nice for me as Miss G. is relaxed and not bringing her stress home.  I'm quietly contemplating how I will manage this year with her being in her last year of school.  This is the big one.  I guess it will be managed by remembering to take one step at a time, not panic and not take on her stress. 

This Sunday I will be going to visit my parents in W.A. on the farm where I grew up.  I'll be there just over a week and am looking forward to seeing wide open spaces, lots of sunshine, plenty of hot weather and of course my family.  I might even take a walk to look at my "Standing Up When Falling Down" tree in my blog photo if I can dodge the snakes and not enhale too many flies. :) 

I hope everyone else is going o.k. and hopefully I might come back with some nice photos to share.

Bye for now,

Anne

Revisiting the big black hole

So it's happened again.  I'm in that big black hole of nothingness where my bed is my sanctuary and sleep my best friend.  I'm still struggling to work out what triggered this episode.  Perhaps it's best not to think about why and put in place the very small steps to find my way out of it.

I can start that process by being grateful for an understanding husband and two daughters who are old enough to pitch in and help out around the house.  I do not like my daughters to see their mother in bed all day, crying, curled up in a ball, seemingly unable to function and do the basics like have a shower.  Miss G. goes off to school retreat tomorrow for 3 days and I don't want her to go off with an image of me like this.  I do think she knows me well enough to know that this sojourn into the black hole will pass in time.


I know there is an element of acceptance I need to have about this ongoing condition I battle with, but you know what, I'm just a bit over it all.  There is such a huge part of me that wants/needs to get out there and do stuff, but I just can't physically or mentally make myself do it.  I guess that's the fatigue aspect that comes with depression.

Tomorrow is a new day, perhaps bringing with it a more positive outlook.  One can only hope.  That's a key word isn't?  Hope.

Anne

Sleeping should be for sleeping

When I go to bed at night, sometimes quite late, the most important thing on my mind is sleep.  You know that period of time when you have a rest from all things, supposedly.  It should be a physical, mental and emotional rest, supposedly.  Sometimes that just doesn't happen.

I can't remember how many evenings I've been yawning my head off, I'm really tired and sleepy, ready for bed, yet when I get there I'm wide awake.  I use to fret incredibly about the sleep I wasn't getting, how tired I would be the next day but now I just get up and do something until I get sleepy again and usually on my return to bed I will sleep.

So I've learnt to cope with that and insomnia to some extent.  What I haven't come to terms with is nocturnal panic attacks.  Last week during a blissful sleep, supposedly, I awoke to find myself sitting up in bed, heart racing, feeling nauseous, wondering what on earth was going on.  It took me a moment to realise I was having a nocturnal panic attack, got back in control by seeing it for what is was and breathing away the panic.  Where on earth do they come from?  I had nothing particularly distressing on my mind, I had been in a reasonably positive frame of mind during the day so I cannot connect it to anything.  It's not as if I'd been thinking about something and off I went.  I mean for goodness sake, I WAS SLEEPING!!!

So I'm wondering how much of what we feel deep down and choose not to think about during the day, gets processed in our subconscious while we are sleeping?  If that's the case, then our subconscious is not very nice to us.  How many of you have had or suffer from nocturnal panic attacks and what are your coping strategies.  Does anyone know why we have nocturnal panic attacks?

Anne

Where's the sunshine gone

This weekend is really a bit off a fizzer as far as sunshine goes.  That's not only weather wise but for me too.  I really dislike waking up with that heavy feeling in my body and the immediate thought that goes with it, oh no, it's going to be one of those days.  Well I have to say that rather than wallow in my I don't want to get out of bed feeling, I now try to think this is not a good start to the day....but it may get better.

When my lovely hubbie asks me if I'm o.k., I can say "Today is not a good day for me, but I'll be o.k."  And I will be.  Isn't it nice to have reached a place where I can say and think that?  This morning being Sunday I have the luxury of not having to be out the door to take Miss G. to school, my family is home and we are all relaxing or pottering around the house doing bits and pieces.  I have decided to spend a little extra time in bed this morning, just slowly working my way up into the day, not pressuring myself to get on with the laundry, cleaning up the kitchen, the baking that needs doing or tidying up my never ending mess.  Instead I've had a cup of tea, breakfast and morning coffee, all in bed :-)  And of course reading the blogs I follow (laptops are wonderful as is wireless internet connection), making a few comments here and there, and dealing with a few very NASTY hot flushes.  I'm taking the time to think about creative ideas that are running around in my head, being inspired but other people's creativity and making a list of things I'd like to make.

Last night I made some Christmas baubles for the girls to hang on their bedroom doorknobs.  If you follow my other blog, you will already know this, sorry.  The enjoyment I get out of having an idea in my head and then actually bringing it to fruition is so rewarding.  A huge part of the joy of creating is sharing it with others.  I really love the internet and blogging for this very reason, the sharing and caring with heaps of wonderful people.

On a slightly different note, I would like to mention an experience I had late Friday afternoon which brought home to me how fortunate I really am and in comparison to some other people.  I was at the local pharmacy to pick up my happy pills (as I call them) and bumped into an acquaintance of some 15 years or so.  Some of our children were at primary school together so there is a connection of sorts.  We were asking how our respective families were going and I learnt in this particular family, the son who has just turned 20 is suffering a rare and aggressive form of cancer which needs to be treated with an equally aggressive type of chemo for a year.  The young man who is sick only has one kidney, so there are many things to be concerned about.  The mother suffers extreme anxiety and depression and has been very unwell for two years and is basically housebound.  Her illness started before the son was diagnosed with cancer.  The father, whom I was talking to, had two years previously been suffering a digestive disorder which now thankfully is under control.  The father is the sons carer and a daughter is the mothers carer.  So you see, in comparison what do I have to complain about?  Very little.

Tomorrow the sunshine will be out and as I'm typing this I can see out my bedroom window the clouds clearing and blue sky is showing.

Anne

I've over done it

Do you ever feel good, so wonderfully good that you think you can conquer the world?  You do too much in one big hit and then you pay for it, coming down with a resounding crash.  That's me, I've gone and over done it, again.  You would think I would have learnt by now to pace myself, but no, my enthusiasm gets the better of me and off I go doing goodness knows what. 

Perhaps I'm subconsciously making up for a long cold winter spell of achieving zilch and all the sunshine has gone to my head.  I feel like I'm coming out of hibernation when the sun shines and I need to go and fatten up for any lean times ahead, figuratively speaking.

I think tomorrow I'll be slowing down my mind and body, going about the business of housework slowly with many cups of tea in between the bathroom cleaning and the vacuuming.  Perhaps if I think calmly, I'll be calm and not worked up into a flurry.  Sometimes this works for me when I'm running a bit late.  I'll be driving in a highly anxious state and when I think about it, being anxious and uptight isn't going to get me to my destination any quicker so I might as well lower those shoulders that are hunched up around my chin, take a big breath and just breathe.  Easier said than done isn't it?  I'd love to know how others handle tendencies to over do things and how to slow down the mind and body.